COWS ON GRASS or (THE PRIMAL FART!) (in Cows)
© John R. Nolan 5/5/1978 w.3888
“It’s everywhere, everywhere, in all echelons of our social structure”, chief sociologist, Victor Trickster heatedly declared.
“Current statistics shows up to ninety percent of Western communities are on some form of drugs, medications, to get them through the day. This is a challenging, socially threatening statistic!”
“Who gives a damn?” his assistant, Julia Peroxide, coughing into a large handkerchief, retorted, “There’s nothing new ‘bout people on drugs. Just about everyone is on one form of drug or another, dey bin using drugs since the dark ages, and prob’ly earlier! You gotta match, me durrie’s gone out.”
Meanwhile, in a faraway southern village, chills of winter slowly strangle all social interaction, activity: blue, toxic smoke rose, like a magician’s blanket, above sprawling, tiled roofs, waiting to tarnish windows, lungs, with grey offal.
Brown rooves, old grey, slate rooves, edged with mould, ice, spread across bleak landscapes, hiding brick and stone houses reclining, choking, ‘neath this health crushing pall of pollution, now uglyfying pristine clarity.
“Did you know a roofer is not a person who applies roofs, (or rooves?), but is a letter of thanks for entertainment, sent by a departed visitor?” asked an unknown alien visitor who re-appears later in this report.
“No, I didn’t, but thanks for letting us know.”
Smoke crawls out of chimneys; dirty, smelly effigies of fantasy Satan Klaws, choking crystal stillness of Davenport.
It is Sunday evening, unless it is some other time, but who really knows anymore, everything looks normal.
Skies are either black as pitch or a dark, polluted shade of black, just a little lighter; that’s in the morning; you can’t see it at night!
Members of this last generation, hybrid humans, stepped into their artificial new world with eyes tightly shut, hoping against all hope it will look different to where they recently vacated, so recently departed, Melbourne.
In polluted background a grating, whining, artificial female voice moans through a P.A., sounding much like the A.B.C.
“Please keep moving. Keep to the left. Have your ticket ready for disposal.”
“Excuse me, do you have a light?” asks an educated female voice from utter darkness. “I really need a light; just a little light, please, oh dear, please, light, I need some light!”
“Smoking or use of incendiary devices is strictly forbidden in meetings of this kind. Please sit down” the usher requested, tone of his voice denying any hope of refusal.
Her plaintive, all but whimpering voice emitting a gargling sort of noise, faded into a sound effects box.
“Hi Phill, it’s good to see you, I’m glad you are able to attend. We were concerned you might not be able find us. How was your trip? Would you like a drink?” said and asked Dr. Windsome at the same time. (He is multi-skilled!)
“Yes, thanks Elwin, the flight was great, we couldn’t see anything from Sydney to Melbourne, coming over the Tasman was horrifically bumpy, life threatening; no worse than usual!”
“Fantastic!” Phill enthusiastically continues, “This is shaping to be an explosive conference.”
“We have delegates from all over our known world, and some from other places, but we’re not sure who they are.”
“There’s doctor Felixity Dreadlock, R.I.P., of Interdialytic Confusion, a president of Hummerz Inc., Professor Petra Clix, who will be doing tricks with Stix and Brix, her assistants, not to mention others who are unmentionable, also on our guest speaker list.
This is shaping to be one of the most exciting conferences held since our last one.
Hopefully resolutions from this debate will lead to extermination of all cows; bovine variety, as they are now our single greatest threat to mankind.” Dr. Windsome garrulously concluded.
“Sounds exciting” replied Dr. Bull. “Your awareness of the drasticity of this situation is expert and accurate. We’ve got to stop them, now, before they can do any more harm or we, as a species, are wiped out.” Dr. Bull continues, walking studiously toward a floating podium.
“But where will we be able to get delicious steaks, chops, milk, etc., if all cows are wiped out?” a plaintive voice yells from the bleachers.
“That is a particularly relevant question which will be answered or ignored by our third last speaker, chief of S.C.I.R.O., (Suspicious Corporation Investigating Random Obstacles.) Mr. David Scientist.
Thank you for your question.”
“The quantity of methane gas now entering our atmosphere via eliminatory facets of our bovine population is exploding beyond all expectations. Effects on our climate are, as you can see, red hot, and now’s time to fight back.” another unknown alien commented to Ms. Murgatroid Blurta, who was sitting in adjoining seats.
Do you believe this conference will be a means by which we get government and or community to realize the drasticality of this situation, demand they act now, to resolve this problem?” asked an elegantly attired young woman of both, “Or do your governments procrastinate, lie and steal like ours?”
“Hallo, who are you? I’ve not seen you before. Are you with the Bovine Belligerent Bunch or the Freedom to Fart movement?” Dr. Bull inquired
“Hallo Dr. Bull, I am Ms. Wilful Liar, a local memberess of Parliament.
I was invited to attend by some local constituents who are actively involved with the F.T.F.” Ms. Liar replies dubiously, continuing, “I’ve come to assess community concerns, report your conclusions, resolutions of this meeting, back to our party room, for their consideration.
Though, I need warn you, there are many in our party contesting the ridiculous assertions that cows are a prime cause of proposed extinction of all life on this planet.”
“Who is here to confidently point to a philosophy, theory, which will provide answers to this flatulence question?” asks a green painted, Sydney based journalist.
“If you will let me continue, I will explain Albert Einfelt’s theory of Farts,” Dr. Windsome began, but is abruptly cut off.
“Excuse me, Professor,” a rude, ignorant, semi-literate, female A.B.C. journalist interposed, “You reckon there’s no difference betwixt proof of existence and our inability to prove we exist, as an individual entity, in time.
Moreover, does our human species exists only as a figment of our, or everybody else’s imaginations, simultaneously?
That’s really the question, isn’t it; do you have any evidence to support or disprove that theory?”
“Can you prove you exist, other than as a figment of your or some superior powers intellect; that you are not a ‘Pacman’ in a minuscule, cosmic computer game?
Our specie lives in this grandiose fantasy that we are somehow relevant to an overall intergalactic scheme.
We only exist, in our mind, within very limited dimension, and you, rude little twit that you are, can take that to your editor, if you can be sure he exists outside your imagination.” Dr. Windsome replies, “Do you want me to check your spelling for you?”
By the way, a twit is a pregnant goldfish or a foolish and irrelevant person!
“What is the basis of your assertion our world is threatened with extinction by bovine boofing Is there any basis to your argument that, unless we take immediate steps to implement the conversion of waste Farts into re-use-able energy, we are doomed?” another reporter, from the New York Crapper, asks Dr. Bull.
“You don’t have the slightest idea what I am talking about and don’t ask stupid question, I’m not one of those malleable politicians, or church leaders, so ask sane questions or I’ll have you thrown out for disturbing the moment.” Dr. Bull replies as he turns, stomps toward the end of the hall.
“As I was saying, before being so overpoweringly interrupted, I’m Ms. Liar, from a local branch of the Anally Retentive Party.
We are seriously considering developing a policy on something, before the election, possibly including whatever it is we are talking about today, thank you.”
Ms. Wilful Liar interrupts;
“We believe it is everyone’s right to be inclusively excluded in decisions being taken or not and should have major input into policy formulation.
That’s what leadership is all about, letting our rank and file dictate our direction.” she continues as she is brusquely pushed aside by minders.
“Thank you, Ms. Liar; you will hear some challenging points of view on these important issues. We’re happy you could fit this meeting into your busy schedule of golf and overseas trips.” smiled Dr. Windsome.
“If you would be good enough to follow Ms Amanars, she will show you to your seat, unless you prefer to stand. There are tie rails around the walls if you feel out of place in the crowd.” said the F.T.F. representative, turning to welcome the next guest.
A long carpet roll of red grass stretched from start right through to finish, which was drawing nearer the start as passing Bovine supporters nibbled it around its edges.
At the end of the grass, on a table, levitating three steps above the floor, a group of concerned citizens sat around a circularly square table. This clever design is to avoid confusion, for citizens, to prevent claims of favoritism or bias.
‘RAP, RAP, RAP!’ said an old, pretend teak table, as the Chair-Thing hit it with a worn out, fake leather shoe.
“Ladies, gentlemen and others; Welcome to the annual, or is it bi-annual Concerned Citizens Council Convention, or, in an affable acronym, The Four Seas, sorry, C’s.
Today we will hear from a number of ex-stinguished speakers; experts in their respective fields, expounding perceived consequences of uncontrolled Bovine Farting, the horrific effects this is having upon climatic conditions.
“Much of the information you will confront is, in the opinion of the F.T. F., nothing more than hot air.” Dr. Windsome declares, continuing,
“Theories on the importance of wind control, various concepts on ways to alleviate
projected maximum wind production, and innovative tools to convert excess waste air
supply, into either marketable mulch, an advanced L P.G. replacement, or to be bottled
then dispatched to Federal Parliament for re-cycling, are open for your consideration,
analysis and comment.”
“You will hear from farmers, dairy producers, who are concerned about serious steps being suggested by certain parties, to control cows, as this will drastically impact on their industry.”
“Our first speaker is Ms. Blare Flatulent. Blare is the International Concerned Citizens Committee representative, an expert on production and supply of convertible gasses, having studied in India, at a number of Curry Shops and a Brahman Institute.
Blare graduated from Griffitee University in 1998, where she completed a Mistress in Wind Tunnels and Dynamic Effects of Olfactory Bombardment. Ladies and gentlemen, Blare Flatulent!”
“Thank you, Mr. Mrs. Ms and Miss Speaker!”
“It is good to be here. I hope we may, during our meeting, be able to air diverse opinions on the reality of obnoxious gasses, their recyclable potentials.”
“It is suggested, in multiple opinions of assorted experts, that cows are one of our society’s most under-utilized sources of renewable energies; our responsibility, as a forward-thinking society, is to examine means by which we can overcome waste of such vast quantities of natural gas.
This is not only a matter of local concern, but is being addressed on an international level, although, at present, the House of Representatives, of both parties, are still incapable of making any intelligent decisions.
Dr. Wecan Ripemoff, (Doctor of Deceit), from the Uniting Denominationalists, in his latest study of Sunday Congregational and Clerical Wind Production, along with research on authenticity of this phenomenon, determined amounts of wind produced, in an average sermon or political speech could power an electricity generator, for eight hours, at zero cost to the community.
In any situation where you have politicians, priests and populace there is a phantastic opportunity to reap an invaluable quantity of renewable gasses that can be stored, utilized in power generation.
His report, on the ever-increasing effects of wind production, especially in churches and parliament, published in a recent edition of ‘Lance-It’, re-iterated our dire need for us to do nothing before we act on this matter, or we could experience drastic socioeconomic dysfunction in the Upper and Lower Asian areas.
There are plans to appoint a varying number of committees, and other perks, to pretend we are taking this matter seriously, but there will be more on that later.”
“World religious leaders, although tentatively in agreement with proposals to connect every pulpit to a system being proposed, have grave concerns over possibilities of what they emit being recorded, exposing them to threat of future litigation, as their comments may be held in evidence against them in various situations.
Dr. Ripemoff’s research establishes importance of F.T.F. Movements application, to government, for funding, to nullify excuses used by sociologists, to prevent sharp up or down turns in Natural Gas markets. “
“This paper was tabled in both Houses of Representatives toilets last Thursday, and we are looking forward to some excessive olfactory responses, which will quantify Governmental attitudes to any situation!”
“As you may be aware” Blare continues, without taking a breath; “politicians, of all affiliations, church ministers of every denomination, are current world leaders in hot air production, not cows!
Recent results of experiments conducted with the Queensland Youth Orchestra, where both the brass section and woodwinds had their wind supplied through one of our subsidiary outlets, “Don’t Blow Hard,” were encouraging.
We had highly interesting supportive results to our gas re-cycling plans.
At the end of the concert, the orchestra’s wind and brass section members were not in the slightest way hampered by breathing difficulties, nor shortness of breath, though some people in the audience required treatment by St. John’s Ambulance officers for asphyxiation.
This opens a new area for re-cycling Farts.”
“Our concern is that planned Government cutbacks in funding will seriously jeopardize future studies in this area, and will put the wind right up a lot of cows’ business opportunities.
Another relevant point for discussion is potential significant psychological damage engendered throughout our community, by restrictive Fart control attitudes.
Dr. Gusty Oompah, at a recent conference, proposed our community harbors a deep-seated complex about farting.
He declares this sociological trauma is seriously damaging our children’s confidence, self-esteem, through inconsistent standards displayed during children’s growth cycles.
A baby who farts loudly or burps is comforted, laughed at, encouraged to repeat the process, on a consistent schedule.
When this child reaches the age of approximately five years, maybe more, maybe less, the attitude toward their farting or burping alters, is reversed, without any clear explanation of change in parental attitudes.
This is highly confusing for a growing child and, Dr. Oompah suggests, such a traumatic turnaround has potential of doing serious psychological damage to a child.
We suggest, in a hypothetical scenario, proposed traumatic reversal of acceptance could be core in a child developing psychopathic tendencies.
We went so far as to suggest Genghis Khan, Hannibal Lecter, Georgia Blush, and every serious sociopath in our society’s short history, could have been encouraged into such brutal behaviour, as a result of Fart restrictions enforced too early in life!
Further research is needed in this scenario, providing another reason the importance of this meeting be carried by all media outlets, with accent placed on our desperate need for more, larger, immediate funding!”
“Since grass is the chief reliable food source for many in our Bovine sector,” Blare continues, “we need look at ways to increase amounts of grass being consumed by average cows, or at various other means of improving resultant wind increases.
There is considerable experimental work going on, presently, in genetically modified grains, with an aim of reducing odoriferous side effects of farting.
This area also offers challenges for researchers in development of higher gas producing grass, whilst striving to eliminate or at least quantifiably reduce toxic side effects.
The Freedom to Fart movement plans to produce a steep upward curve in grass consumption, by cows, of these newly developed feed sources, as this will lead to increased wind production.
This will enhance our proposals for independent, local energy sources, in the shortest possible time span.
An alternative to odor reduction feed lots is another proposal of Dr. Oompah’s, which involves government provided personal, portable catalytic convertors, with which whiffy wind can be neutralized.
There has been a wide range of opinions expressed on techniques we need develop to collect and store wind.
Some suggestions of attaching flexible nylon hoses to cow emission points, shipping gas to a central storage area, though good on paper, sadly neglects possibilities of, no, probabilities of:
A.Cows walking around and getting their respective hoses inextricably knotty.
B.The serious risk of pedestrians being knocked down by cows whose hoses have punctured, spinning around wildly, like balloons at a party.
C.Hazardous possibilities of cows getting blockages that could cause them to explode, without warning.
There was some concern expressed on this issue, as this could lead to utilization of Bovines as bombers for various Middle Eastern sects, especially in the Middle Yeast.
M.A.S.I.O. agents suggest Inflated Cows; (I. C.s), could be surreptitiously floated into position, near buildings, sporting arenas, or other vital facilities, ignited, causing horrific damage and loss of life!
On our local front we are continuing development of re-cycling systems, believing success in implementation is near.
A wide range of alternative issues are undergoing stringent examination at our research facility, but we need more money.”
“What support has this research received from local farming groups, dairy producers, milk bars, please, Dr. Blare?” asks Clark Bent, of the Twisted Mirror.
“Support has been phenomenal, especially from yogurt producers, udder deflater suppliers, milkmaids’ unions and yogurt suppliers, though there has been little support from cows.”
“Another major project is designing the most practical and least obtrusive way of collecting giant amounts of hot air being expressed by priests, popes and politicians, in their daily lives.
There is considerable opposition to these proposals, regarding both cows and clergy from the Hindu population, but we at F.T.F. are sure we can smooth those ripples.”
“Thank you, ladies, gentlemen and Bovine representatives. If there are any questions feel free to contact us at F.T. F.”
“Thank you, Blare. Our next speaker, Mr. Dropsem Kuietly, a well-known speaker amongst recyclable gas communities, will give a short talk, and demonstration, on values and dangers of re-cycling Farts.
Please welcome Mr. Dropsem Kuietly, people and others, Dropsem Kuietly!”
“Good evening or whatever, it’s good to be here and hopefully our time together will be mutually informative, encouraging.
To follow up on some points expressed by Blare, we need consider the future of our nation, our world, our desire to maintain life on this planet.
This will be a pro-active presentation, in which each of us will have an opportunity to experience our advanced ideas for re-cycling, and thus relieve strain on this nation’s energy resources and costs.
It is also important we do not lose sight of our projected goals, the need for rapid progress in this area, lest we find ourselves trapped in an untenable situation and that the Russians produce more wind than Amazia, though, one suggests, that would be difficult!
Each of you will notice you are sitting on specially designed chairs, which have Fart absorbing pillows.
This is done to:
1 prevent any odoriferous intrusions on your neighbours,
2 prevent any internal wind induced discomfort,
3 demonstrate how you are Free to Fart, socially, with all wind produced being re-cycled, into a large balloon, located under the building.
This allows us to demonstrate how effectively our entire community can successfully, constructively utilize emitted gasses”.
“Please observe NO SMOKING SIGNS, do not produce any naked lights. It is vital, remember, these gasses are flammable!”
“Since the beginning of recorded life, there have been innumerable jokes made about Farts.
They have been the butt of rude comments, and Farts have been socially unacceptable, but, now, time has come for us to re-examine this amazing energy source which we have been allowing to blow away, for centuries.
Although, as you heard from Blare, there is much work being done to corner our cow production area, we also need look at effective means to utilize gas we produce, to help lighten our load on our overtaxed energy systems. We, you, can make a difference!
Remember, we are sitting on a great energy supply system, one of the least utilized in the world, and it’s free!
Development of a comprehensive Fart collection system will have dramatic results on the world economy in a very short space of time.
We perceive our cities and towns soon equipped with street Fart Collection Points, (F.C. P’s) discreetly located near restaurants, coffee shops and hotels. These will enable our entire community to get involved.
We are considering, for our logo; “RELEASE AND BE GLAD!”
We know there is great opposition to this concept, from both oil producing nations and Atomic Energy Commissions, but it is imperative we learn to utilize natural energy sources around us, or we will shortly be right out of energy.”
“Introduction of our new, highly developed energy source, (E.S.) will see vast increases in primary production as we establish more effective wind production foods; beans, onions, garlic, etc. This will boost primary production, as well as rural employment; it will lead to an exciting increase in our global marketing opportunities.
Australia, will soon lead the world in development of Cow and People Fart Control systems! {C.P.F.C.’s}
We are on the brink of a fantastic new industry, in which Australia will be at the forefront, as usual, in developing more sophisticated Fart collection and re-cycling techniques.
Ladies and Gentlemen; this is the dawn of a new industrial era, using locally produced power sources. This is greater than the wheel, and it won’t go flat!
Already, as we sit here, we have produced two hundred cubic meters of wind.” Dropsem K quietly, excitedly shouts, continuing,
“We are even happier to advise that, together, you, I, we, while we have been sitting here, have provided sufficient energy to drive generators to supply lighting for this venue, two hundred traffic lights and enough power to drive the local electric train system for three days!”
“Isn’t that fantastic.” Blare seductively purrs into a microphone.
“Think what effect this would have on a system of generators, not windmills, by connecting the gas we already have in storage, to a generator turbine.” shouted an enthusiastic Tasmanian tree logger.
“By the end of this conference, we should have produced sufficient energy to light the entire city for five days; with wind collected, both from respective speakers, and from the audience.
Think what power is available once we get Politicians in the federal government, State governments, Council Chambers, legal chambers, etc. hooked up.
One’s mind boggles when we consider the vast resources of wind being emitted from every denominational pulpit, legal office, political conference, courtroom, sales conferences.
It is a limitless supply of hot air that can blow us, this nation, debt free, into the new millennia!
We can be the first nation to become completely energy independent!”
“Hey, lady, you up the back, what are you doing? Don’t do it!” screamed Mr. Dropsem, as the lady, previously mentioned, enters through a back door, plaintively moaning,
“Light, I got to get a light!”
Desperately she scratches a match across the side of a matchbox found in the foyer…
BOOM!